What a hotel massage at Schiphol costs

• Hours past the third are €180 each. Add them when you book, or on the night if her schedule still has room in it.
• The overnight is one fixed block of eight hours at €1,250, not an hourly rate left running until morning. Where the eight hours sit in the night is up to you.
• Two therapists are €360 an hour — €720 for two hours, €1,080 for three. An overnight with two carries no printed figure; ask and we will answer.
• Settled on arrival: cash in any major currency at that day's rate, or card, or crypto. Landing with the wrong notes in your pocket changes nothing.
• Outcall only. She comes to your hotel room or apartment; there is no studio and no address for you to find at midnight.
• Nothing is added for the journey inside Amsterdam — Centrum, Jordaan, Oud-Zuid, De Pijp and Zuidas are all the same price, and so is four in the morning on a Sunday.
• Schiphol airport hotels are quoted on enquiry rather than listed here. Send the hotel name on WhatsApp and we will tell you what is possible for that address at that hour.

The rate does not know what time it is, and that is deliberate. Nothing is added for a Sunday, for a public holiday, for the far side of midnight, or for the length of the journey across town — inside the ring the distance is ours to absorb, not yours to pay for. The figure on the ladder is the figure that changes hands, and the hour is counted from when she is in the room rather than from when she left.

Up to three hours the arithmetic is honest and plain: ninety minutes, two hours and three hours all run at the same rate per hour as a single one. The eight-hour night is the only place where the line bends, and it bends downward. Two therapists are charged at the hourly rate for two, so a pair for two hours is €720 and for three hours €1,080; a full night with two is quoted on enquiry and carries no printed figure, because that one depends on who and on what the night is.

Longer bookings exist for a specific piece of arithmetic that travellers know well. Sleep is not coming, the alarm is set for something unkind, and the body is four or five time zones behind the room it is standing in. An hour is the wrong unit for that night. The overnight, dinner beforehand, a companion for the evening — these are formats for hours you were going to be awake through anyway, and they are agreed in the thread before anyone sets out.

Payment happens in the room on arrival, never in advance. Cash is taken in any major currency at that day's rate, which is worth knowing if the last country left you holding notes you would otherwise change at an airport counter at a worse one. Card works. So does crypto. Whichever you choose, it is settled once, at the start, and not discussed again.

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